The Burden of Expectation: Why Our Relationships Are Broken by What We Want
The truth is, most of our problems with people aren’t about them at all. They’re about us.
As a speaker and coach who has spent years on the road, meeting thousands of people from all walks of life, I’ve had the privilege of hearing countless stories. Stories of heartbreak, disappointment, frustration and misunderstanding. In every city and every workshop, a common thread emerges: the pain of unmet expectations. I’ve often said that my work has been the greatest teacher, a living laboratory where I get to see human psychology in action. And one of the most profound lessons I’ve learned came from a young student.
I was conducting a workshop on effective communication at a university and the room was buzzing with the energy of young, hopeful minds. During the Q&A, a young man, no older than twenty, approached me. His face was etched with a frustration that felt far older than his years. He said, “Sir, I’ve tried everything. I get good grades, I help around the house, I even listen to them, but no matter what I do, my parents never seem to understand me. They’re always disappointed.”
His words hit me. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard a version of this story. But in that moment, something crystallized. I realized that his pain and the pain of so many others, could be summed up in a simple, yet brutal truth:
“90% of the problems in my relationships are because of my wrong expectations with people. The remaining 10% are because they expect the right things from me.”
This thought, a mix of self-awareness and a touch of dark humor, has become a cornerstone of my work. Let’s break down this concept and explore why our expectations are the silent saboteurs of our most important relationships.
1. The Trap of the “Should”
We all do it. We build a mental model of how someone should act. A friend should always be there for us. A partner should know what we need without us having to say it. A parent should always approve of our choices. When reality doesn’t align with our “shoulds,” we feel hurt, betrayed and unloved. My student’s pain wasn’t just that his parents were disappointed; it was that they weren’t acting as he believed parents should act—with unconditional understanding. The problem isn’t their behavior; it’s our rigid blueprint for it.
2. We Project, We Don’t Perceive
Often, our expectations are not rooted in the other person’s reality but in our own hopes, fears and past experiences. We project our own values, desires and communication styles onto others. We expect a partner to show love the way we do, or a friend to prioritize the same things we do. When they don’t, we interpret their actions through a lens of personal offense rather than objective observation. We aren’t seeing them for who they are; we’re seeing them through the distorted mirror of our own needs. This is why a simple misunderstanding can escalate into a full-blown conflict—we’re not just arguing about the event, we’re fighting about the expectation that was violated.
3. The 10% Problem: When They Expect the “Right” Things
The second part of the thought is more subtle but equally powerful. What does it mean when someone “expects the right things” from us? It means they expect us to be who we claim to be—a reliable friend, an honest partner, a responsible son or daughter. They expect us to live up to our own words and promises. This 10% is not a problem of their expectation; it’s a problem of our own lack of integrity or a failing on our part to meet a reasonable standard we ourselves have set. The discomfort we feel here isn’t resentment; it’s shame or guilt. It’s the feeling of not being enough, or not doing enough, for someone we care about. This part of the equation forces us to look in the mirror and face our own shortcomings.
4. The Path to Freedom: Releasing the Grip of Expectation
So, how do we fix this? The answer lies not in changing others, but in changing ourselves. The key is to shift from expectation to appreciation. Instead of focusing on what someone isn’t doing for us, we can focus on what they are doing. We can learn to value people for who they are, not for who we wish they were. This doesn’t mean we tolerate disrespect or abuse; it means we practice a radical form of acceptance. For my student, this would mean accepting that his parents may express their love differently than he expects and finding the value in their intentions, even if the delivery is flawed.
5. Communication: The Bridge, Not the Fix
Finally, while communication is vital, it’s not a magic bullet. Many people believe that if they just communicate their expectations better, all problems will vanish. But true communication isn’t about broadcasting our wants; it’s about mutual understanding. It’s about saying, “This is what I need,” and also being willing to hear, “This is what I can give.” It’s a negotiation not a demand. And sometimes, the most loving act is to accept that someone simply cannot give us what we want and to choose to love them anyway, for all the beautiful things they can offer.
My work has taught me that the happiest and most stable relationships are not built on a foundation of perfect people, but on a shared understanding of human imperfection. The moment we start seeing people as they are and not as we want them to be, is the moment we begin to build relationships that are not just strong, but truly unbreakable. It is a liberating thought and a humbling one.
